Thirty One by LeighAnne

Monday, September 14, 2009

My biggest FEAR!

I know most people fear death or losing a loved one. I faced the second a year and a half ago and even though it was terribly painful to go through I know she is in a much better place than I am and that I will see her again. I am not afraid of death but of dying. I don't want to suffer but I know when I am gone I will be gracing the streets of Heaven with all the loved ones who have passed before me. That's why those are not my biggest fears. Today I have been thinking back to when I found out I was pregnant with Ace. And for more on that story see here ( The story of Ace ). And soon after I had Ace he had so many troubles that scared me and I had so many " fears" of the unknown that may happen with my child. Then a year ago Ace collapsed in pain, began to run a high fever, couldn't walk, and was in the hospital and there were no answers. But a few short weeks later we were given the news. Cerebral Palsy. As hard as it was for me to believe that could possibly be the case I knew in my heart it was true. And The Ace's purpose in my life grew even more. Shortly before I got the news our family became a part of a church that now I never could imagine my life without. I began to look at my life in a different way. Not just as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend or anything else but as a CHILD OF GOD. And I realized that God gave me Ace for more reasons than to just care for a child. I gave my life as well as the lives of my children to HIM. And I began to pray like I should and not pray for what I wanted in life. I prayed that God would let me care for this child and whatever His will was that He would show me how to deal with a "sick" child. Ace was perfect to Him so why couldn't he be perfect to the world. Once I let go of trying to fix the diagnosis myself and let God take the drivers seat all the answers fell into place. Ace started therapy and began to improve and shine like any 2 year old would.
Now my biggest fear. When we got the diagnosis our Neurologist told us that with Ace's case MOST kids with the type of Cerebral Palsy he had they weren't diagnosed until the ages 2-4. And he could either get better or worse. And for the past 10 months he has surpassed any milestone that I thought he would. BUT last Wednesday we had Physical Therapy and the therapist noticed that Ace's right leg ( always the one with the problem) was beginning to scissor in. It is beginning to cross over in front of the left one when he walks. This is most likely the reason why he is having so many accidents. When he walks his right foot is turned in slightly, he has a slight bow to his bones, and now this. Even though it is all mild it is still causing some pretty bad battle wounds to little Ace's head and body when he falls. My biggest fear was that his condition would worsen and now it is. I am so afraid of what the worst will be and what he will face. He is constantly falling. It's only 11:45 am and we have already had three falls and bumps to the head. This is all day long every day. He will cry every time he trips and I can only assume it's because 9 times out of 10 he gets a bump and bruise and he thinks it's fixing to hurt. So what do I do. I pray . I Pray that the God who has been so blessing to us so far will give the doctors the answers to help correct this problem before it gets any worse. A week from today we will travel to Huntsville to a new Orthopedist and I hope he will give us encouraging news. I know Ace could be so much worse than he is but as a parent any condition even a cold is something you don't want your kids to have to deal with. And when it's something you can't just run to the drug store and buy a medicine that will help it really upsets you. It scares you because it's out of our hands and in someone else's. I know this is just one of our trials and I know there is a reason but I pray that my little Ace doesn't suffer from this. I know he will have to get corrective inserts for the turning of his foot and he won't like it but I would rather him be aggravated than in pain. So please if you have just a extra second at night when you pray add my little man. I would be so grateful. Here are a few pictures from the past two weeks. I know I haven't been keeping up like I should it's just been a little crazy around here.

Ace and Brady in Sunday School.
Me and Ace.
Of all the pictures to be the clearest he had a drink in his face.

Ace at his cousin Chances birthday.

I know when it's all said and done that I gave Ace the best of what I could and GOD blessed me with Ace to show me the true meaning of life. I always want what's best for my kids and don't ever want to see them hurt or struggle in life. I know all things are a part of God's plan and that is why I believe things happen for a reason. Sometimes we see why sooner than others and I just pray that with this little bump in the road we can over come it sooner than later. I love my dear little Ace and I so don't want to see him struggle any more than he has. He is so precious to me and I know God has a great plan for him.


Leah said...

I'm sorry about your son's leg, and I hope it endes up being nothing. Thinking of you.

Britni said...

I will be praying! You are a wonderful mother Leighanne!